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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23040835">pick up the pieces and build me back up</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/howlingsaturn/pseuds/howlingsaturn'>howlingsaturn</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EastEnders (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, hearing loss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 15:15:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,058</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23040835</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/howlingsaturn/pseuds/howlingsaturn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When Ben sinks to his knees in agony, Callum falls right with him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>66</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>pick up the pieces and build me back up</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>lightning cuts through her chest</p><p>it rips her heart clean in two</p><p>— grief </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Ben! Ben, hey, stop, you're okay, you're gonna be okay, calm down." </em>
</p><p> </p><p>It's all white noise anyway. Dull and static sounds that make Ben's skin crawl and goosebumps rise on his arms. It's all the same to him, the volume is the only thing that differs from time to time and Ben fears he's going crazy with it. </p><p>Finding Callum and bringing him home was all that mattered for a while and now that he's safe, now that he's <em> home,</em> the reality of what happened comes crashing down on Ben. </p><p>And <em> god</em>, it's so different from what he's used to, so different from what he's grown up with. This is so much worse. Ben doesn't think he's ever felt so disconnected from the world. </p><p>It's disorienting, like he's stopped moving but the world keeps on spinning and screaming and pulling at him and he can't follow. It's like he's no longer part of it, like he's living in an entirely different atmosphere. The space and the people around him are familiar but he doesn't understand them, doesn't know how to connect with them. They're too quick, too bright and Ben stumbles after them, extending a hand for something that is way within his reach. </p><p>He sees them moving and talking but it's like a movie that's playing out in front of his eyes, slowed down and slightly grey around the edges. Ben wants to reach out for a remote control and switch the sound back on but he can't. The film continues to play and Ben is forced to watch on, numb and oblivious. </p><p>There's only silence that greets him, the sharp monotonous ringing in his ear the only thing that comes close to resembling a sound, and it wraps its poisonous arms around his body and pulls him in, squeezing until Ben feels breathless with it.</p><p>It's unbearable.</p><p>He knows he's crying but he doesn't hear it, only feels the way his body trembles with each violent sob, how his heart beats wildly in his chest as if trying to claw its way out. Tears well in his eyes and his vision blurs. Panic sets in and he desperately tries to blink the tears away, willing himself to focus on his surroundings<em>. He can't lose another sight</em> but his body betrays him and the images in front of him don't clear.</p><p>He can't breathe. He just wants it to stop.</p><p>Something grabs a hold of him and Ben flinches away in fright, trying to pull his arms free but Callum doesn't lose his hold on him. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Ben it's me!" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>More sobs follow and Callum bites his tongue, deciding to soothe Ben with gentle touches instead of his voice, not wanting to add to the pain and confusion.</p><p>His bruised ribs ache and throb against his side but he doesn't let go, knows he will never let go of Ben ever again, and Ben finally stops fighting.</p><p>Callum reaches out again, pressing a cool palm against Ben's forehead and sliding his other arm around his chest, holding him close. Ben quietly trembles in his arms and Callum's heart breaks all over. </p><p>Plastered to his back Callum takes a couple of deep breaths and wills himself to calm, hoping Ben's body will react to it. He squeezes his eyes shut, his mind screaming out for his loved one.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I know it hurts. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I wish I could make it better. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I love you. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I got you.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>When Ben sinks to his knees in agony, Callum falls right with him. </p><p>If only he could take some of the pain away and make it his own. If only he could pick up the broken pieces and kiss each and every one of them before he assembles them back together with care. He'd reach into Ben's chest and shower his heart with love until it never feels doubt again. He'd offer his lungs to help him breathe if that's what he needed. He'd cross oceans and climb mountains, fly to the moon and grab some stars if that would heal him. He'd leave and never look back if that meant he was whole again. </p><p>But he can't do any of it. He can only hold him in his arms and wait for the storm to pass. He can only kiss the remainder of his tears away and wrap him in a ton of blankets to try and bring the warmth back into his body. He can tell him he loves him until it's all that he knows how to say. </p><p>And even then, he'll never be able to make up for what Ben's lost. He'll never be able to seal the hole that has been cut into his life. </p><p>When Ben goes limp in his arms, Callum turns to press a kiss to his temple. He rearranges him in his arms until Ben's ear is pressed to his chest, right above his heart, and Ben exhales like he hasn't been able to before.</p><p>He can feel Callum's heartbeat vibrate against his ear and it gives him something to focus on. His heart slows down, breathing becomes a little easier and the rushing in his ear calms into a soft wave. </p><p>Callum's alive and well and he loves him. He still loves him. And Ben wants to embrace that joyful feeling, if only for a second. </p><p>He still feels guilty about what happened, doesn't understand why Callum chooses him over and over but Ben wants to give something back, wants to show him how truly grateful he is to have him by his side. </p><p>He extends his hand and reaches for Callum's arm. With the pad of his thumb he slowly, <em> deliberately</em>, signs three words and eight letters into the soft skin on his wrist.</p><p>He's rewarded with another kiss to the top of his head once he's done and somehow he thinks he can beat this. </p><p>
  <em> He's lost his hearing but he hasn't lost his heart. </em>
</p><p>And as far as everyone else is concerned, it's the most important part of living. His heart is still beating, strong and resilient, and Ben knows he'll power through any amount of grief for that. As long as Callum's with him, beating a familiar rhythm inside his chest, he can overcome anything. </p>
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